RoyalT Speaks

A Day with Anxiety, Depression, & Suicidal Thoughts: A Journal Entry

I thank God for this day. It feels so crazy being in a space of peace in this moment right now this evening. Since my morning was filled with anger, anxiety, stress, and sadness. I thank God because he answered my prayer, the heaviness of this morning was lifted at the name of Jesus. I called on the Lord and he heard my cry. Not just a scripture, an account of some apostles, but a personal experience and encounter with God. One of many. I feel like we take for granted the little blessings. We shout from the mountain tops the moment of great financial increase and tangible blessings, but the intangible we ignore or rather don’t put as much weight on it. Breath, the breath in our body each day is a blessing in itself as so many did not get the chance to breath again this morning. Clothes on you back roof over your head, for some that might be a redundant prayer of thankfulness, because God has been so consistent and so faithful that you have never not gone without these things, so you see it as an absolute versus the grace and privilege that it is. You don’t really appreciate or see God in it, until he allows you to be in a space where you no longer have it.

I was angry with my sister, I woke up this morning angry because I have not addressed her making me feel uncomfortable in her home. Feeling like an irritating guest in a space where on some days I have to be there. It bothered me because I just don’t get it I see it from my view, but I don’t have the words to say my feelings outloud; to bring it up because I want to avoid an argument but in avoiding the argument I find myself holding in my irritation which only builds up more personal resentment which then comes out as an explosion of emotion the moment something unrelated ticks me off and then I’m mad all over again and even more mad because I can’t pinpoint my emotions and from the outside it may not seem like a big deal, in that moment but on the inside it’s the culmination of things that have added up and boiled over and I’m even more made because I don’t want to be angry but I have to allow myself to feel my emptions so then it goes into self evaluation trying to process my thoughts and run different scenarios in my head to feeling like its all my fault, to being mad because I don’t know how to change it, while getting myself ready for work and driving in traffic trying to remain calm, and then someone cuts me off, and I’m even more upset, but I’m trying to tell myself to relax and then I start thinking about work and work stressors and the people at my job I don’t like, then the ideas of what am I doing next with my life and am I on the right path and then thinking there’s no possible way I’ll ever get there I don’t have the money and I can’t see a way to make the money, and then I’m crying about that because I’m tired of being in poverty and I’ve been here so long I can’t see it change and then I’m thinking about growing in God and what he calls me to do next but I don’t even believe I’m capable of it, like why would he even expect that of me, I can’t do that, and even if I could I don’t have the money, but I guess I need to trust God and my heart is racing and all these thoughts as jumbled as they are going through my head back to back all in a matter of minutes and as confusing as it is to read it on paper that’s how an anxiety attacks looks played out in my head its like a bunch of ballons filled with paint, all beginning to bust one by one back to back all at the same time and the colors smearing together to make one big blob and that was my mind this morning. One big explosion an uncontrolled explosion in which all I wanted for it was to end, but suicide I’m greater than that, I’m stronger than that, I’m better than that. This instance it wasn’t a large idea, but a passing one, like a little balloon of black paint drawing a streak across all the other colors(ideas) and I called out to God because again over and over I promised myself the last time and the time before that I won’t let stress worry and depression take me out. God delivered me before he can do it again. God I’ve seen you in other areas of my life. This isn’t my first panic attack I flash back to a few years ago when I got the devastating new I would not be able to go to Colombia which was all I wanted to do , my heart was set on it I believed you for it but it didn’t happen and it hurt really bad I cried so hard from the outside looking in you would have thought someone had died, and in my mind my dream world did die in that moment after that call, but God. I couldn’t see it then but I saw it a few years later why that “NO” had to be a no at that time. So I said today God I can’t see it right now but I know I’ll be able to look back at this moment just as the last you have purpose you have a plan and even this will work out for my good so I trust you, I just need you to bring me your peace, I can’t make it in this moment , I’m not strong enough, I’m tired and I’m hurting and I just want to make it through this day, but I need you God. And he answered my prayers. not all at once it wasn’t immediate, but I felt a slow calm. I was able to feel myself breath, the thoughts cleared up just enough for me to gather my senses to drive to the parking lot, put out of my head the cost of parking as it was more convenient to go there as I had a doctors appointment there that afternoon and I needed to get home later fast for bible study I felt it in my heart that’s what I should do and I let go of the worry of cost, then I was able to slowly get together what I needed to take to work. Okay now I’m feeling like I can do this I can make the next move. I get to the corner the bus rides by, OMG anxiety builds up again I’m already late. I might have to pay $15 for parking and I’m already late I only make 24 dollars an hour so that half my work hour down the drain just trying to get to work on time for that hour, ok lets get a lyft or uber …welp can’t do that that’s $30 that more than I’m even paid in an hour that’s not worth it, but God I check my phone another bus coming in 4 minutes, the calm returns, I get in the office, quiet day most people are out I have time to go to the bathroom wipe the dried tears from my face. Thank you God it’s a light day, the people that are out to get me on the job are out today… whew peace. Then I get an email thanking me from boss about a customer thanking me for my kindness, customer service and professionalism. A much needed reprieve of appreciation in a job where the enemy is attempting to use man to attack me, belittle me, and make me feel uncomfortable, unwanted, and triggering my flight response. Thank you God! Okay I’ve made it through the work day, not to loud on the bus at the end of the day. Thank you God, appointment took longer than expected but everyone is still available if I push back bible study… great. Another ballon of anxiety this morning, I can’t do class my lesson isn’t ready I won’t have time, but God. I was able to finish up while I waited at my doctor’s appointment. Get out the parking like thinking I’ll have to pay as I was there longer than my actually appointment, but parking was free, Thank You God! Again, all the things I was stressing over, all the things that gave me anxiety and sent me into an attack this morning turned out to be mute points Thank you God! Thank you God for the relief, thank you God for the reprieve. I see you in it all it was a blessing thank you for blessing me. A day that started in anxiousness and anxiety ended in gratefulness and peace. I thank you for another personal example of your faithfulness another experience of the evidence of your love toward me, something I can now pull on again and remind myself when the weight of life gets heavy and I can’t see a way out I trust you, I can trust you, I know for myself I can trust you, I’m going to trust you, I put my trust in you. God I thank you. This is the day the lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. God I thank you for peace, I needed to write this out evidence to see God’s faithfulness towards me. Depression in my experience is not something that just goes away. It’s something that you have to overcome. I can and have only been able to do that through God and Christ who strengthens me. And though the experience is painful when I come out on the other side I have a better understanding of me and what God has for me and wants for me. I pray my experiences help someone else when life is hard and its going to happen and everything isn’t going to be perfect and always go in your favor. But life does not have to be over because your hurting , your in pain, or your sad. It is only a season and if you can just make it through this season, this moment, this hour, this second, this day you can see glory after this.

I Won’t Let Go Until You Bless Me…

Even in Darkness you can still find the Light.

Genesis 32:26 “And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.”(KJV)

In my own thoughts, prior to even a real understanding of the line of scripture, “I won’t let go until you bless me”; I had my own encounter with God and the enemy. I was in a state of depression sadness and regret with my life and my actions. I was in the bed literally waring in my head. It was like the loudest sounds and I don’t even know how to completely put it in words but the only way I can describe it was screaming and gnashing and a loud voice speaking to me to kill myself to just go ahead and jump out of my apartment window. A voice telling me to kill myself; every negative thought crossed my mind and I was engulfed with the spirit of fear, anxiety, and worry all at once. I just wanted the voice to stop. I just wanted the torment to cease and I couldn’t do anything but cry for what seemed like went on for hours, but it may have only been a few minutes. I just curled up in bed and called out to God, “I won’t let go until you bless me”. At first it seems the screams of the demons got louder. I pushed back I kept saying “Lord I won’t let go until you bless me, I won’t let go until you bless me, I won’t let go until you bless me” and instantly the room was silent a silence like never before the voices went away and I was at peace.

Now I was at a point in my life where I believed in God. I knew some scripture by memory because I’d been going to church my whole life, but I wasn’t in a relationship with God. My actions and behaviors at the time definitely did not reflect that of a Christian and I was really just going about life doing my own thing my own way. Yet even though I had little faith, little belief, and had been living a life away from God he came to my rescue. When the chaos ceased and the silent peace surrounded me I just cried and thank God and I went to sleep.

This encounter was like none other and it was my first experience of recognizable spiritual warfare in my life. The enemy was trying to take me out that day he wanted me out really bad. We all go through a lot of attacks in life and in many ways our eyes might not be open to seeing it as an attack from the enemy. It can be someone setting you off in the grocery store, a car cutting you off on the road and now you are angry and upset and that boils over into your workplace, next your boss does something you don’t like and then you find you self being mean to others around you. You become irritable and rude, then your actions change the course of someone else’s day and so on and so forth. It all may seem like it’s just about that one moment but it’s bigger than that it’s about the enemy setting distractions to stop you from getting to your goal. Its about him setting you up to fail to lose your focus, to knock you off course and stop you in your tracks from reaching your destiny. In a world where there is so much hate, anger, sadness, sickness, depression, and suicide I recognize that the devil is working to do what he is does which is steal, kill, and destroy.

That weight of suicide is one faced by many across the world. I’m saddened when I hear that someone has taken their own life not only for that family and the tragedy of it all, but I cry because I’ve known the feeling. That feeling like its all over, like there is nothing left to fight for. I know now that I have lived life so far beyond that one moment long ago that there are gifts, talents, and a purpose that individuals are robbed of and this world is robbed of when a person takes their own life.

You have so much potential that you haven’t even seen yet. There is so much greatness in you that you don’t even know and won’t get the chance to know if you give in and take your own life. I want to give you hope for those moments, that they are just that “moments”, and it will pass. It’s not the end and you are strong enough to make it, you are not alone and your life is worth living. You are worth it no matter what you’ve done no matter what may have been done to you. There is value in all that you are to this world and all that you can become if you don’t allow yourself to succumb to the pressure, but make it mold to something greater. Like that same pressure that makes precious stone. You are rare, unique, valued and the experience, gifts, talents, and hope that you can bring to this world thats purpose and destiny that only you can fulfill. Nobody can take your place. Only you can do what you’ve been placed on this earth to do.

The enemy is not attacking those who aren’t a threat, you have something good deep inside you even if you can see it. You are amazing and there is someone else in this world connected to the blessing that is your life. There is someone that needs you to survive so that they can survive too. That night was not my first-night contemplating suicide, but it was the night I would never forget for the rest of my life and at every low point in my life when after that night when those thoughts of suicide would come up when it would rear its ugly head I would remember the words I spoke that night that set me free. I won’t let go until you bless me. Lord I won’t let go until you bless me.

The enemy tried his hardest to take me out that night because he knew God could use me in this life to bring him glory. You don’t fight that hard to take someone out you don’t put that much energy and send that many demons to fight someone that is not a threat. That’s something I couldn’t see then but I see now and I haven’t even touched the surface of the greatness God has for my life but I know I won’t let go until he blesses me.

Ten years ago I would not believe you if you told me I would ever preach a word in church that would inspire and help others. Years ago you couldn’t have told me that I would be praying for my entire family on our family prayer line. Since then I’ve made mistakes but I’ve also experienced greatness in God. I’ve found myself speaking life into a person that was in need. I’ve found myself speaking the word of God to a person on my job, talking about God with someone on a bus. I’ve helped my family, inspired others and enjoyed time with my friends and their children. I’ve done so many good things. I’ve gotten to experience good things that I would not have gotten to do if I had let the enemy defeat me, if I didn’t push and fight back.

So when devil creeps in to invade my mind with suicidal thoughts, I accept that I’m hurting, I accept that I am in pain, but I don’t accept defeat. It might rear its ugly head but it won’t defeat me. The thoughts will come but I won’t let it over take me.

The bible says the weapon shall form but it won’t prosper. My experience with God that night is something that has saved my life for days to come after. You just got to make it through that moment, hold on and don’t give in don’t let go. He will work it out for your good.

I couldn’t see any good in that pain until I needed to pull from that painful experience when the next fight came to realize I can still make it through.

I couldn’t see how my parent’s divorce and the death of my grandmother could be any good, but it brought me to God it brought me to my knees in prayer, it brought me to places where I had to look at myself and say what am I doing in my life. I never thought the heartbreaks and pain could do any good, but now I find myself being able to encourage others younger and older than , me that are going through heartbreaks, that are going through losses, self-hate, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem and tell them not only are you not alone but you can make it through and you going through is not only going to bless you but your life in and of itself can be a blessing to someone else too.

So I say

Lord I won’t let go until you bless me

Bless me in the storm

Bless me in my weakness

Bless me in my struggle because you will get the glory even out of this.

No matter what mistake I made no matter what bad thing I’ve done no matter how many times I’ve let you down in my sin God you can still bless me. You can still get the glory out of this and out of me I won’t let go until you bless me. Lord until you turn it around, until you change my heart I won’t let go until you bless, God I won’t let go.

God had and has a purpose and plan for my life just like he has for you and each and every one of us. In those darks days it’s hard to see the light, in those dark times it’s hard to want to continue to go on and find a purpose, but you got to hold to something; hold on to God.

I won’t let go until you bless me. I don’t understand why you want me here but you make no mistakes and you have a purpose for my life and this will work out for my good; so Lord I won’t let go until you bless me. This season is hard I just want to give up I don’t have the strength I don’t want to fight, but God I won’t let you go until you bless me.

Bless me with clarity,

Bless me with peace,

Bless me with strength,

Bless me with vision,

Bless me with being able to see the purpose,

Bless me with the will to fight,

Bless me to make it to the light,

I won’t let go until you bless Me!

What the enemy meant for evil God used it for my good. God allows things to get you to a point where there is nothing left you can do, but he always provides provision, all that’s left for you to do is turn to Him.

Tell Lord I won’t let go until you bless me.

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

As today is Valentines Day the universal theme for today is Love. Love for our significant others, love for our children, our family members, and even friends. But what about love for our enemies? What about Love for the poor, hungry, homeless, less fortunate? What about love for those we may not always agree with? Love towards strangers?

I believe we’ve come to a point where we’ve forgotten about love. Love for God, love for one another. Today is a day for love, but hatred is permeating on all ends of this earth. It is so easy for us to blame one side or the other, whose views are different from ours. We blame each other when we disagree, we focus on finding every fault in someone else or some group. In this blame game we lose empathy for our fellow humans, we lose our logical mode of thinking. We are acting out of emotion and no decision ever made on emotion has ever been well thought out or calculated. And once emotions die down and we have the time to actually reflect, time to think; we can come up with a million and one ways of what we could have done differently. This atmosphere that we are in has set the tone for the devil to run rampant. The chaos and confusion is his play ground. The anger and hatred spirits are running wild seeking whom they may devour. So where do you stand in this midst of all that is going on? Where is your heart? Where is your mind?

Are you consumed? Are you unable to function? Have you found your self unable to pray? Are you unable to have Love and compassion towards your enemy? Unable to think straight and unable to carry a conversation without your blood boiling when discussing differences? Unable to think of nothing other then the chaos? If so you are right where the devil would have you to be. Does the thought or suggestion of peace, forgiveness, or God in the midst of this chaos bother you? Do you find yourself saying “No but,…. In response to someone suggesting anything about calm, peace, love, long-suffering, gentleness meekness. Are you angry, are you annoyed? That’s the devil; that is the enemy.

Matthew 6:23 “But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness. No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one and love the other: or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God an mammon.” In the NLT version the versus reads “but when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep is that darkness. No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other: you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.” As the latter scriptures reference money I think we can reasonable interchange the vice of greed with the other vices that the enemy places before us. What is the purpose that drives you for the things you seek? What motivates your actions? Through what lens do your eyes see the world? Through the lens of love in spite of others behaviors? Or is it hatred that drives you and brings you into darkness stopping you from seeing what is really going on?

The darkness will blind you and blot out your true purpose. Darkness will have you think and behaving unreasonably and calling it reasonable. The darkness will have you torn between conflicting opinions of lies and drifting further away from the truth. The word says be ye transformed by the renewing of the mind. The renewal of the mind has to occur daily. With so much information, so much sadness, so much darkness how do you maintain your light in these days of evil? In times of turmoil pain and anguish how do you look towards the hill from which cometh your help? How do continue to walk in the light and in love?

The devil will try to stop you and hinder you anyway he can, but only if you allow it. Only if you give up and throw in the towel. The word says put on the full armor of God so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Do not be deceived that this chaos is the actions of man, the true causes of it all is the ruler of darkness, satan, the wicked one.

Don’t allow yourself to be consumed in your spirit by the tricks of the enemy. On this day of love don’t be blind. Don’t allow yourself to fall for the trap and walk in ignorance and darkness.

Don’t ever find your self in a position where you don’t want to pray. Don’t every find yourself in a position unwilling to forgive. Don’t let no devil in hell or on on this earth block your blessings and your salvation. Don’t allow your heart to be hardened. Don’t close your heart to love for others. Don’t close your heart to forgiveness. Don’t change who you are. Don’t allow love to leave you and hate to rule you.

Peace that surpasses all understanding is what the living God offers, “my peace I leave you” said Jesus. Love, kindness, and joy wrap yourself in the fruits of the spirit on today not in the poison of the enemy. Don’t lose yourself to this world. Tomorrow is not promised for any of us, and I refuse to leave this earth unfinished, unforgiving, angry mad, or tortured in my spirit.

Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. Don’t let the devil convince you that God won’t do it, don’t let the devil convince you that even in the midst of chaos that God is not with you. God is omnipresent. He is with you always and his promise is he will never leave you nor forsake you. God is still here with us. You have to continue to trust in and acknowledge him in all your ways so that he can direct you path.

I don’t know about you but I want to hear well done my good and faithful servant. Don’t let the enemy take away your faith. Don’t let the enemy steal your joy. Don’t let the enemy consume your life, your home, your spirit, your children, your attitude, and your heart. Do not let love leave your soul. Don’t continue to walk around with the heavy weights of this world. Don’t continue to carry hatred in your heart. Give it to God, all of it. Whatever it is that concerns you give it to God it concerns him too. Your well being is his concern, you have to put your faith and trust in him. Whatever hurt you feel give it to God so that you may obtain peace. Whatever decisions you need to make put it before God so that you can walk in the authority given by him for his word says he will go before you and make crooked places straight. He will guide you on the right path. Let him be the light in the darkness. Let him guide you in Love on today and everyday. For the word says if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways then I will hear from heaven forgive their sin and I will heal their land.

After you tried everything else, after all else fails in your limited human power what consequence is it to try God. Try God’s way of love, peace, forgiveness and kindness. You can’t put your faith in the judicial system, you can’t put faith in politicians, you can’t put faith in man. You can only put your faith in God. Don’t deny God, don’t allow satan to keep you from love or keep you from praising. Don’t allow the devil to keep your mouth sealed; you give praise and you shout to the God who is able and continue to give him glory even in the midst of the chaos in this world. Allow yourself to be transcended to a new level in Christ jesus, allow his peace to take over and remove you from what is around you. From what your eyes see as impossible. The impossible is made possible with God. Love for your enemies is made possible with God. Peace may seem impossible but that is a trap of the enemy. There is nothing too hard for God. Man may say change can’t come, but it can by God, and it may not happen when we want it to or how we want it to but all things, ALL things work together for the good of those that love the lord.

So where do you stand? Where do you stand in this chaos, in this race war, in the civil unrest? Is your faith in a hand gun in your closet? Is your faith in your own ability, your own knowledge or is your faith based on God’s word and God’s promises? Don’t be consumed by hatred, but walk in love. Don’t be devoured and consumed. Don’t die and lose your soul to the evil of this world. Stand in the light and praise God any how. Praise him before it happens, don’t allow the rocks to cry out for you. God is love. God the God of peace. God can cause the winds to shift, waves to cease the rain to stop. God can change the heart of racist, God can change the heart of a narcissist, God can change heart and mind of a drug addict, God can change thoughts of a rapist, God can remove your addiction problem, God can change your hearts and cause you to walk in forgiveness.

He can heal your body and your mind. He can defeat depression and sadness. Don’t let the enemy over take you. Don’t let the evil of this world consume you. Don’t continue to live in past pain, past judgment, past mindsets, or past behaviors. Look forward to a new life in Christ, look forward with expectancy in-your heart for better days, do not settle for mediocrity in your faith, in your praise or in your prayers.

Don’t lean unto your own understanding of what is going on in this world, but seek God first for knowledge and direction. Walk in love and spread love. Walk in joy and peace despite what you may see. You rejoice evermore and pray without ceasing, pray like justice has already been served, you pray like you already see true peace among every race, color, creed and religion, you pray until you see it manifested. You pray until you see yourself out of poverty. You pray until you see your body healed. You pray until your mindset is changed and the darkness is removed. Because no weapon formed against you shall prosper, every tongue that rises against judgment shall be condemned. Let God guide the words of your mouth and the meditation of your heart and watch as everything around you will begin to shift. I feel a shifting in this atmosphere, but we have to call it in. Claim it and use the power of your tongue given by the creator to speak life not darkness, to speak peace not destruction, to speak love and not hate. To speak for change in your spirit first. Come holy spirit and fill this place, this home, this city, this state, this country, this world. Do you know where your light is? Do you know where your life is? Do you know where you spirit is? Do you know you are a child of God?

Where is the love? It’s in Christ Jesus.

Boca de Yuma, Dominican Republic

It was December 17, 2016 as I sat down at the water front restaurant set on the coastal cliffs of Boca de Yuma, Dominican Republic. One of few little restaurants on a tiny street off the coast of the Atlantic ocean in a small town with only one main road to come in or out. Surrounded by tropical vegetation and cleared farm land it was about a 20 minute drive from San Rafael del Yuma on highway 4 to reach the coastal town of Boca De Yuma. Upon arrival by rental car we parked on the small road where we were greeted by a young boy whom we paid a few pesos to look after our car to ensure it was not broken into or stolen while we enjoyed our meal; a customary act necessary outside of the large tourist areas where security is limited. The temperatures were in the 80s, but the cool coastal breeze was a great relief making it feel as though it was in the comfortable low 70s.

Plate of Butu & Ocean View – Boca de Yuma, DR

We were seated at a table for four directly overlooking the cliff at the beautiful clear teal waters with the green moss covering the surrounding rocks. The thatched roof covered the entire restaurant of about 30 tables, though most of the tables were unoccupied. The tables sat upon an unfinished gravel covered ground with a multicolored paper table cloth displaying bowls of fruit. As I gazed at the menu in front of me written entirely in Spanish I had no idea what to select so I relied on my friend who was a local to choose for me. My friend informed me this was this best restaurant in the area and I could not go wrong with anything on the menu. I went with the Butu (parrotfish) and fries and was not disappointed. For just under $15 we were able to enjoy a nice full sit down meal for two, a meal that would have cost close to $30 to $40 in a tourist area or in the states. My friend also noted it was much cheaper than its next door neighbor who contracted with a bus company to drag tourist from the city of La Romana. The restaurant owner next door up’ed his prices to amounts locals could barely afford, but the wealthy tourists would gladly pay. His statement made me think twice about my position as a tourist myself.

On one hand I was excited to enjoy the island life and take in a meal of fresh caught fish right from the same waters I viewed while I ate, a view unavailable to me in the concrete jungle of Philadelphia where I reside. While also appreciating the fact that pesky tourists had not discovered this hidden gem of a restaurant where I was currently seated. A place where I felt like I was truly getting a local experience. On the other hand I thought of all the positives and negatives that would affect this community if it was open to mass tourism like many other areas of this beautiful country.

On the positive side an increase in tourism could result in an increase in income for the locals; from the street runners looking to make a few pesos protecting cars, to restaurant owners and their staff that would serve the visitors. On the contrary an increase in tourism could result in the cutting down of trees and destruction of local habitats for industrial developments. It could also mean the pushing out of local business owners and restaurateurs by larger corporations and investors. For example the widely known tourist city of Punta Cana was once just an undeveloped jungle area now home to an airport and resorts spread across the eastern shore of the Dominican Republic.

Natural Pool used by locals – Boca de Yuma, DR

I thought of the natural pool just down the road tucked between the cliffs, where the locals go to hang out and cool off from the scorching heat. A beautiful natural pool that could wound up polluted by tourists and possibly closed off by local government in and attempt to earn profits. I imagined the current free gifts of nature taken away from this community and exploited for financial gain. I thought of how the local fishing industry could be affected if the large fishing boats with modern equipment came in and took all the catch and out did the local fishermen in their small colorful wooden boats. I thought of all the potential regulations that could be imposed that would require costly technology or safety equipment that locals could not afford. I thought of the potential over fishing that could devastate the local ecosystems. A sentiment that was felt 8 months later upon my return in hopes of enjoying another plate of Butu (parrotfish) only to find that it could not be served as the parrotfish had been placed on the endangered species list. Restaurants caught selling the fish would face huge fines, a risk this local restaurant owner could not afford to take.

The potential environmental and economic impacts of increased tourism are things that should not be ignored. My take away from this experience was moderation. Yes, I feel the natural serene waters and fresh fish on this tropical coastal hill are something everyone should get a chance to experience, but these things should be enjoyed in moderation not in excess. I am in agreement with local communities that choose to limit tourism in order to preserve their local ecosystems and local way of living. Such as the limits on tourism placed in protected sites like the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador. Or the restrictions placed on some Native American reservations in the United States. As much as I would love to enjoy my Butu upon every visit to the Dominican Republic I believe it is better served for parrotfish to thrive in nature than be made extinct due to my gluttonous human appetite. I believe that local communities should be supported and have ways to make a living without being subjected to over inflation and unaffordable costs of living based on the presence of tourist. I believe we should explore without exploiting and enjoy without destroying the natural God given wonders of this planet. Conscious travel, conscious living, and conscious being.

THE FEAR OF CHANGE

I came into 2019 with a new mindset. A mindset that everyone seems to have at the New Year that this year was going to be different. This year was going to be better. I was going to be a better version of me and do everything I set out to do. Fast forward almost two months in and the struggle has been real. But this year is different from the previous year my will to want to change is greater and my tendency to give up has faded. I refuse to go through another year not knowing I gave everything I could for it to be different. I refuse to go into another year thinking if only I had did this last year I wouldn’t have to be doing it right now. Now let me be clear this willingness to do better and be better has not come in a flash change of mind its come over several attempts to change and failing. What I’ve learned is the age old try, try, and try again is so true. If you get it right on the first time great, but if you don’t keep going until you do. Sometimes it takes changing one thing at a time. Slow and steady wins the race, by accomplishing one goal it made it easier to keep my mind focused on completing my next goal. Does the self doubt disappear? Never. It always there the devil always attempt to discourage you and fill your mind with a million reasons why you can’t continue or why it won’t work like last time, but you have to remember giving up is not an option.

Now as always it is easier said than done and it may take some self-reassuring daily but what do you have to lose? It has been said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over expecting a different result. Therefore if you want something different you have to do something different. One thing that keeps me going is my goal, my vision of the person I want to be, and the places where I want to go in life. Writing down the visions helps you declare to yourself what you want to do. A bank won’t give you a loan without a business proposal, a plan on what you are going to do with their money and how you plan to achieve those set goals. Think of your goals and encourage yourself daily. Remember that anything is possible. You’re only limited by the limits you place on yourself. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.