I Won’t Let Go Until You Bless Me…

Genesis 32:26 “And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.”(KJV) 

In my own thoughts, prior to even a real understanding of the line of scripture, “I won’t let go until you bless me”; I had my own encounter with God and the enemy. I was in a state of depression sadness and regret with my life and my actions. I was in the bed literally waring in my head. It was like the loudest sounds and I don’t even know how to completely put it in words but the only way I can describe it was screaming and gnashing and a loud voice speaking to me to kill myself to just go ahead and jump out of my apartment window.  A voice telling me to kill myself; every negative thought crossed my mind and I was engulfed with the spirit of fear, anxiety, and worry all at once. I just wanted the voice to stop. I just wanted the torment to cease and I couldn’t do anything but cry for what seemed like went on for hours, but it may have only been a few minutes. I just curled up in bed and called out to God, “I won’t let go until you bless me”. At first it seems the screams of the demons got louder. I pushed back I kept saying “Lord I won’t let go until you bless me, I won’t let go until you bless me, I won’t let go until you bless me” and instantly the room was silent a silence like never before the voices went away and I was at peace.

Now I was at a point in my life where I believed in God. I knew some scripture by memory because I’d been going to church my whole life, but I wasn’t in a relationship with God. My actions and behaviors at the time definitely did not reflect that of a Christian and I was really just going about life doing my own thing my own way. Yet even though I had little faith, little belief, and had been living a life away from God he came to my rescue. When the chaos ceased and the silent peace surrounded me I just cried and thank God and I went to sleep.

This encounter was like none other and it was my first experience of recognizable spiritual warfare in my life. The enemy was trying to take me out that day he wanted me out really bad. We all go through a lot of attacks in life and in many ways our eyes might not be open to seeing it as an attack from the enemy. It can be someone setting you off in the grocery store, a car cutting you off on the road and now you are angry and upset and that boils over into your workplace, next your boss does something you don’t like and then you find you self being mean to others around you. You become irritable and rude,  then your actions change the course of someone else’s day and so on and so forth. It all may seem like it’s just about that one moment but it’s bigger than that it’s about the enemy setting distractions to stop you from getting to your goal. Its about him setting you up to fail to lose your focus, to knock you off course and stop you in your tracks from reaching your destiny. In a world where there is so much hate, anger, sadness, sickness, depression, and suicide I recognize that the devil is working to do what he is does which is steal, kill, and destroy.

 That weight of suicide is one faced by many across the world. I’m saddened when I hear that someone has taken their own life not only for that family and the tragedy of it all, but I cry because I’ve known the feeling. That feeling like its all over, like there is nothing left to fight for. I know now that I have lived life so far beyond that one moment long ago that there are gifts, talents, and a purpose that individuals are robbed of and this world is robbed of when a person takes their own life.

You have so much potential that you haven’t even seen yet. There is so much greatness in you that you don’t even know and won’t get the chance to know if you give in and take your own life. I want to give you hope for those moments, that they are just that “moments”, and it will pass. It’s not the end and you are strong enough to make it, you are not alone and your life is worth living. You are worth it no matter what you’ve done no matter what may have been done to you. There is value in all that you are to this world and all that you can become if you don’t allow yourself to succumb to the pressure, but make it mold to something greater. Like that same pressure that makes precious stone. You are rare, unique, valued and the experience, gifts, talents, and hope that you can bring to this world thats purpose and destiny that only you can fulfill. Nobody can take your place. Only you can do what you’ve been placed on this earth to do.

The enemy is not attacking those who aren’t a threat, you have something good deep inside you even if you can see it. You are amazing and there is someone else in this world connected to the blessing that is your life. There is someone that needs you to survive so that they can survive too. That night was not my first-night contemplating suicide, but it was the night I would never forget for the rest of my life and at every low point in my life when after that night when those thoughts of suicide would come up when it would rear its ugly head I would remember the words I spoke that night that set me free. I won’t let go until you bless me. Lord I won’t let go until you bless me.

The enemy tried his hardest to take me out that night because he knew God could use me in this life to bring him glory. You don’t fight that hard to take someone out you don’t put that much energy and send that many demons to fight someone that is not a threat. That’s something I couldn’t see then but I see now and I haven’t even touched the surface of the greatness God has for my life but I know I won’t let go until he blesses me.

Ten years ago I would not believe you if you told me I would ever preach a word in church that would inspire and help others. Years ago you couldn’t have told me that I would be praying for my entire family on our family prayer line. Since then I’ve made mistakes but I’ve also experienced greatness in God. I’ve found myself speaking life into a person that was in need. I’ve found myself speaking the word of God to a person on my job, talking about God with someone on a bus. I’ve helped my family, inspired others and enjoyed time with my friends and their children. I’ve done so many good things. I’ve gotten to experience good things that I would not have gotten to do if I had let the enemy defeat me, if I didn’t push and fight back.

So when devil creeps in to invade my mind with suicidal thoughts, I accept that I’m hurting, I accept that I am in pain, but I don’t accept defeat. It might rear its ugly head but it won’t defeat me. The thoughts will come but I won’t let it over take me.

The bible says the weapon shall form but it won’t prosper. My experience with God that night is something that has saved my life for days to come after. You just got to make it through that moment, hold on and don’t give in don’t let go. He will work it out for your good.

I couldn’t see any good in that pain until I needed to pull from that painful experience when the next fight came to realize I can still make it through.

I couldn’t see how my parent’s divorce and the death of my grandmother could be any good, but it brought me to God it brought me to my knees in prayer, it brought me to places where I had to look at myself and say what am I doing in my life. I never thought the heartbreaks and pain could do any good, but now I find myself being able to encourage others younger and older than , me that are going through heartbreaks, that are going through losses, self-hate, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem and tell them not only are you not alone but you can make it through and you going through is not only going to bless you but your life in and of itself can be a blessing to someone else too.

So I say

Lord I won’t let go until you bless me

Bless me in the storm

Bless me in my weakness

Bless me in my struggle because you will get the glory even out of this.

No matter what mistake I made no matter what bad thing I’ve done no matter how many times I’ve let you down in my sin God you can still bless me. You can still get the glory out of this and out of me I won’t let go until you bless me. Lord until you turn it around, until you change my heart I won’t let go until you bless, God I won’t let go.

God had and has a purpose and plan for my life just like he has for you and each and every one of us. In those darks days it’s hard to see the light, in those dark times it’s hard to want to continue to go on and find a purpose, but you got to hold to something; hold on to God.

 I won’t let go until you bless me. I don’t understand why you want me here but you make no mistakes and you have a purpose for my life and this will work out for my good; so Lord I won’t let go until you bless me. This season is hard I just want to give up I don’t have the strength I don’t want to fight, but God I won’t let you go until you bless me.

Bless me with clarity,

 Bless me with peace,

Bless me with strength,

Bless me with vision,

Bless me with being able to see the purpose,

Bless me with the will to fight,

Bless me to make it to the light,

I won’t let go until you bless Me!

What the enemy meant for evil God used it for my good. God allows things to get you to a point where there is nothing left you can do, but he always provides provision, all that’s left for you to do is turn to Him.

Tell Lord I won’t let go until you bless me.